Please Don't Squeeze the
by Scarlett Rogue
Summary: Jim has a dirty mind. Without meaning to, Spock is making it worse. 5 times Spock told Jim innocently not to squeeze something, and one time he wasn't so innocent. Slash


**Summary: Jim has a dirty mind. Without meaning to, Spock is making it worse. 5 times Spock told Jim innocently not to squeeze something, and one time he wasn't so innocent. Slash**

**Rated: T**

**Prompt: Finish the catch phrase with your own word: "Please don't squeeze the..."**

1.

Jim never appreciated a slow, boring day. After the crazy, near-death missions they went on, most crew members were happy for a day of relaxation, but Jim was just plain bored. He wanted a meteor to come crashing down onto the ship, to shake everyone out of this zombie mood and get his adrenaline pumping. It sounded crazy, but the honest truth was, Jim would rather be crazy than bored.

He absentmindedly played with his replicated chicken fingers at lunch, listening to Bones drawl on about medical hoo-ha that he didn't really care about. The easy, familiar sound of his warm Southern accent made Jim feel sluggish and hazy.

"James, please don't squeeze your meat."

Jim's head snapped up in shock as he stared at the Vulcan liked he'd lost his mind. After all, his hands were nowhere near...oh.

"Sorry." He dropped his chicken finger back on the plate and stood up to dump his tray, successfully hiding his blush from the two men.

2.

Starfleet had always trusted their best ship to carry out missions involving helping new colonies develop and prosper, so this meant that Jim was stuck doing manual labor for people that he didn't know. He didn't really mind too much, and wouldn't have complained at all, if it weren't for the unbearable heat on this planet. Humans weren't meant to reside in 120 degree places.

Jim also wasn't happy about the weakness of the tools they were using. He'd heard tools breaking all morning, and each time the sound was loud and piercing in his water-drown ears. He hadn't broken a tool yet, to which he was very proud of. Spock broke three already.

Jim hit a particularly tough metal and heard a loud snap. He groaned and set his tool aside for a second to see exactly what rock had broken his streak. When he got up, he grabbed for the tool without looking at it.

"Captain, do _not _grab the hoe!"

Jim sputtered at his first officer, mind too muddled to calculate the last time he had "grabbed a hoe." It certainly hadn't been for at least a year, since they were kind of _together_.

"What hoe?" he asked. Spock pointed to the tool (which was sporting massive splinters) and Jim closed his eyes, happy that Bones wasn't around to witness his stupidity.

3.

After many months in space, the bridge crew was finally allowed shore leave. They all agreed to dress to the nines and hit the nearest classy bar, maybe scout out the place for anyone worth talking to outside of their group. Jim decided to sexify his appearance, and met up with the group clad in black leather pants, a white t-shirt that hugged his muscles nicely, and a million-dollar smile.

He wasn't the only one looking his best. Bones was dressed casually in blue jeans and a plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up to show off his toned forearms. Chekov and Sulu decided to match, pulling of black jeans and and a dress-shirt-vest ensemble nicely, making them both look younger (to Chekov's chagrin) and adorable. Spock was nice enough to go sleeveless and Jim's eyes were stuck on his bare arms, the sight of which he had barely had the pleasure of seeing on a daily basis.

Uhura arrived last, clad in a form-fitting thigh-length gold dress with long sleeves that slit open around her upper arms, giving her a classy retro appearance. The thing that caught Jim's attention was the silver necklace that brandished a word in some foreign language. The clasp was showing.

This was a little-known pet peeve of Jim's.

"Hold still," he said. She did as he said and he reached forward, trying to shift the clasp behind her neck.

"Be careful, it's very fragile," she said. Jim tried to be gentle, but it was so small that he had to grab tight to it.

"Jim, please don't squeeze her boob," Spock said suddenly.

Jim gasped and yanked his hands away from Uhura. Is that what it looked like? Did she think he was trying to cop a feel? Did Spock think less of him now?

"It's okay, Spock, he won't break it." She gestured for him to try again and he realized, with great embarrassment, that Spock was using the terrain nickname for a clasp: boob.

4.

Jim had always been fascinated by those silver ball contraptions where you pull one ball back and let it drop, and it hits the line of balls, knocking the one at the other end up. He didn't understand how it worked, and it used to entertain him a lot when he was a child. He wasn't surprised to find one such contraption in Spock's room.

One evening he sat at Spock's desk, waiting for the Vulcan to bring forth papers for him to sign. Instead of listening to the overly high vocabulary - unnecessary for the current conversation - he settled for pulling at one ball, letting them swing for a few seconds, then stopping them and doing it all over again. He knew he should probably sit forward and listen to Spock, but he was bored. So he played. He started zoning, forgetting what he was doing.

"Jim," Spock whispered into his ear out of nowhere. "I would appreciate it if you listened to me, rather than playing with my balls."

Jim shivered and leaned back into Spock, his head spinning. He couldn't remember the last time he got to play with Spock's balls. Spock didn't really have the sex drive that Jim did, after all.

Then he remembered the little silver balls he'd been playing with and decided to turn forward and listen to Spock, before his dirty mind got the best of him.

5.

"Get him to Medbay now! Goddammit man, can't you just have _one less _allergy? Make my life a little easier?"

All this was said as Spock and Sulu dragged Jim to Medbay, Bones following closely behind with a medical kit. Jim turned his head and cringed when he saw Bones preparing a hypo.

He hadn't expected to go down to a strange planet and eat anything that could kill him. There was no eating in the job description at all. All they had to do was bring water down to the inhabitants and then leave. On their return to the warp point, a bug flew into Jim's mouth and he swallowed it reflexively. Apparently he was allergic to said bug.

"Get him on the table, don't let him touch anything. His skin is reacting in a very bad way. He touches anything and it'll literally burn him."

Jim's throat was starting to close up and Bones stuck him with a hypo before he could even count to three. His hand jerked forward at the unwanted pain and he tried to grab onto something to help him.

"Jim, don't squeeze his buns!"

Jim had half a second to wonder who's butt he was feeling before a searing pain shot through his hand and made him scream. He yanked his hands back and stared at the offending butt...which turned out to be a pile of medical cloths commonly referred to as buns.

Even when he was dying he had a dirty mind.

+1

Jim wandered into he and Spock's room late at night, having done a double shift. He pulled his shirt off and threw it somewhere, too tired to care about where he would find it the next morning. That is, if Spock didn't get involved.

"I try so hard to keep this room clean, and you come back and throw your things everywhere," Spock said, a hint of tease hidden in his reproachful tone.

"You know I'm too tired to care how I get naked, Spock. As long as I'm naked, I don't give a damn where my clothes end up." Jim sat next to Spock on their bed, surprised when he realized that the Vulcan had gone stiff.

"Please, Jim, do not pull my trigger. I'm very sensitive tonight." Jim looked around, wondering what the hell he was tugging on that could create such an innuendo.

"What?" he asked when he found nothing. Spock merely looked down, and Jim followed his gaze to find Spock sporting a rather impressive erection.

Well, then.

**Please REVIEW and tell me what you thought, because I had a lot of fun writing this! Thanks for reading!**

**::EDIT:: About the issues with the last one. Someone pointed out that it should be "squeeze my trigger" rather than "pull my trigger" to fit the prompt. Indeed I agree. However, I came to the conclusion that "squeeze my trigger' sounds pervy in a so-not-sexy way, and just didn't fit right in it's own context. So, while it bends the prompt a bit, it makes more sense as is. :) Thank you for the review, and I hope this cleared things up **

**P.S. Hate to sound...unappreciative, but if you review, please tell me if you liked it or not. I like the feedback, but just pointing one thing out makes me feel like that's all you got out of the entire thing, which makes me feel like I let you down as a writer :( I won't be offended if you say you don't like it. Honest :)  
><strong>


End file.
